You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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