is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
