I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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