I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
