and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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