You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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