Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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