just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
