My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
