I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
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Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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