You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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