I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize