She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
