I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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