So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
