He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
