Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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