Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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