My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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