Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Randomize
