last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
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She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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