You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
