i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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