sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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