One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
