Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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