I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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