I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
