FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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