I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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