Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
