I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
