I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm drive I can fine osifer
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
