Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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