mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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