is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
