I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.