my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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