Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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