saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize