i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
