I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
