I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
