I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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