I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
