Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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