we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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