For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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