Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
