I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
bring money and cleavage
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The Olympian is in my bed
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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