i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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