Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize