If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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