i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
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He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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