Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You made out with two different species that night
You have to summon your inner elephant
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
