I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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